Generations past, pregnancy and birth was women’s work. Men almost completely stayed out of the birth experience. Many fathers stayed at the pub with their mates during labour, others stayed in the hospital hallways awaiting the news of their baby’s arrival. The main expectation of men during those years was the role of being a good provider and loyal husband. Times have most certainly changed in our society. Many fathers attend some antenatal appointments, antenatal workshops and most fathers are present at the birth of their children.
In my experience this is a daunting task for many men. They aren’t biologically geared for such expectations, however many men do a wonderful job none the less.
As a doula I find I support fathers as much as I support the birthing mothers. You can read more about this if you follow this link https://www.flourishmumsandbubs.com.au/supporting-dads
Recently I had a client who was overseas with her hubby for a few months during their pregnancy. I emailed the dad and asked him if he’d like to share with me how he was feeling and what concerns he may be having. Below is the letter I received. I thought it was a wonderful piece of writing to share as I believe he managed to capture in words what so many men may not have the skills to express.
To my doula.
I suppose if I had anything that was worrying me about the situation, it would be whether we'll be able to open up our relationship enough to let a little person in between us. We're very tight and it's been 15 years of loving each other. I want to make sure that he feels loved enough on his side and that we don't feel at all resentful on our side. I know that's a bit esoteric. Most folks just worry about whether the baby will be safely born or something, I suppose that's OK too and certainly also on my mind, but the long term is what's coming.
Aside from that, my concerns centre around safety during the birth. Susie has always had a low blood iron count her whole life. She has a pretty low average pulse rate as well. Despite the overly-clinical nature, I'm glad we're doing this in a hospital instead of at home where my mother had me and my brother. It's kind of the story of modern society in a nutshell, but given that Susie has some non-trivial health risks associated with blood loss, I'm happy there'll be a supply of what makes humans tick on hand if things go sideways.
All that stuff about staying relaxed during birth will be a good help for us. We both tend towards anxiety in our ways and the more relaxed we can get the better. It's interesting that our most anxious friend, a young girl from Sussex in the UK, had what sounds like the easiest birth out of all our friends recently.
Just randomly, it's amazing how many people have been bringing babies into the world in our social circles lately. We've had Annie and Sam, who dropped off the radar completely after the birth and went full antivaxx. Then there was Trixie and Vance who moved down to Aura and are happily doing the young suburban parent thing, perfect little Aussie homeowners, though he's from Norway. Lisa and Lex had Isla and changed their lives not one bit, but they're cruisy surfers and make an art out of not caring too much about anything. Thomas and Hannah, the country horse / EMT folks, had kids next and their kid Jason is already twice the size of Isla. William and Sammy now have baby Nick and they both quit their jobs for a whole year and are just chilling around home and travelling a bit even though they don't have a bit of cash. And then there's us. Finally! I wonder what our story will look like to others from the outside.
All I really care about is that we get through this birth part OK. After that, I've seen some quite clueless people raise some fine kids so I'm not too worried about it. I'm sure we'll do alright. I'll be reading all sorts of things about how to engage young minds and what kind of things to feed the little fellow. I'm resigned to changing a few million nappies. We've got a really neat mural in his room for when he's old enough to appreciate it. I know absolutely nothing about being a parent but am confident I can wing it. We've just got to get through the birth with as few scars, both physically and emotionally, as possible and I'll be happy as a clam.